A Christmas Poem — “Fireside Questions for Santa”

“Fireside Questions for Santa”

With Christmas Day drawing nigh,

I have some questions and wonder– “Why?”

Like, what is it about Santa that makes little kids cry?

And how in the world does he get reindeer to fly?

How high do leaves go when they “mount to the sky”?

How many toys do elves make versus having to buy?

So going to stay up late, or at least I’ll try,

And will hide behind the sofa, on Santa to spy.

I want to face him– eye to eye,

To directly ask the jolly elf guy—

“With no disrespect or meaning to pry–

How is it a fat old man can be so spry?

And get down the chimney without bruising a thigh?”

So busily hanging stockings by the chimney to dry,

While waiting here for Santa with questions to ply,

But for now I’m hungry and will bid “goodbye”,

Here anxiously awaiting the Old Boy to drop by.

Goodness, gracious, me oh my.

I wish that I had some Pumpkin Pie!

Wishing a Merry Blessed Christmas to all– “and to all a Good Night!”

Santa Claus Drying Socks By The Fireside

Santa Claus Drying Socks By The Fireside

Wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from yours truly, Little Red Bear and the whole backwoods gang of friends and characters!   —  Jim (and Red!)

Little Red Bear Answers Reader Questions – “Hummingbird Spit! What Could Be Better?”

Little Red Bear and I have received another reader question we thought it may be good to respond to for everyone.  Well, a question and a comment really, and good information to pass along.

Reader Question from S. F. on holiday at an undisclosed beach resort in the U. K. –“Dear Little Red Bear — Holiday reading, sunshine, and fresh sea air – what could be better?Thanks for translating Red, got plenty of buzzards’ breath but all out of catfish whiskers and the hummingbirds are being most uncooperative.”

Answer— For the benefit of those who have not read “The Adventures of Little Red Bear” yet, or may have unwisely skipped over the “Introduction”, what S. F. is referring to is that to save readers the difficulty and hassles of needing to translate all the different spoken animal languages and dialects back and forth as they read, Little Red Bear and I worked tirelessly to translate everything for you.  Bears speaking to birds and rabbits, turtles speaking to bears, humans speaking to bears and foxes, weasels yammering on, etc.  The pig is a different matter, and you will need to read for yourself to see what that is all about.

Information on the translation process was explained in the Introduction, along with many other things, and S. K. is referring to a few of the translation ingredients in her comment.  And it points to why we decided to go ahead and take care of the translations issue for readers ahead of time.  We didn’t charge extra for it.  Little Red Bear just felt it a nice to thing to do for folks.

In response to S. K. then — “Holiday reading, sunshine, and fresh sea air – what could be better?”  We can’t think right off of any better thing than being on holiday at the beach reading Little Red Bear stories, so you have us stumped with that one.  And yes, we have found the hummingbirds to be problematic and difficult to work with at times, as it seems the later it gets into summer the more of a sugar high they are on, causing some predictably spiky attitudes.  We are impressed with your having gathered sufficient quantities of the buzzard’s breath though, as that is where the translation process breaks down for many folks, unwilling to approach a turkey buzzard that closely.  Little Red Bear sends a big paw pat on the back for that one!

As for the other, we could mail some dried catfish whiskers over for you, but find that fresh whiskers work much better and produce a clearer translation in the end.  And since we have it all translated for you ahead of time anyway, we won’t bother to send any dried whiskers over to save you the mailing expense.

So, sorry we were stumped by that question, but want to thank you for writing in to let us know all that translation time and effort is helping readers out after all.

Horizontal Rule 1

So, a big thanks to S. F. for the comments!  Remember folks, please keep those questions and letters coming. We’ll get to them as best we can here for you.  Happy reading, and thanks as always for stopping by! And remember folks, the best sermons are lived, not preached.  God bless, y’all.  – Jim (and Red!)

Old-fashioned, Family-friendly Stories and Fun for All Ages and Fitness Levels!
About an Uncommonly Special Bear and His Friends.

Happy Birthday to Davy Crockett!

Happy Birthday Davy Crockett — “The King of the Wild Frontier!”  Born August 17, 1786 in eastern Tennessee.

I grew up with Davy Crockett and his adventures as an early influence. My mother repeatedly emphasized a saying attributed to him– “Be always sure you’re right, then go ahead.” We could use more good advice for youngsters today.

Beyond his legendary exploits, one of the most notable things in the real Davy Crockett’s career was his vehement and continued opposition to Andrew Jackson’s policies, most notably the Indian Removal Act which led to the removal of the Cherokee people and others and the infamous “Trail of Tears” death march. It cost him reelection the following term, but he remained firm to his principles.

Davy Crockett was a noted storyteller and spinner of tall tales. Hope he would have liked Little Red Bear’s adventures.  I like to think he would.  Happy Birthday, Davy! 🙂

Davy Crockett, Portrait by William Henry Huddle, 1889

Davy Crockett, Portrait by William Henry Huddle, 1889

Thanks as always for reading and stopping by!  —  Jim (and Red!)

“The Adventures of Little Red Bear” Short Stories on Amazon

David (Davy) Crockett, Portrait by Chester Harding

David (Davy) Crockett, Portrait by Chester Harding

Little Red Bear Answers Reader Questions — “Angry Weasels! What To Do?”

Little Red Bear and I are getting more and more questions from readers.  So here’s another one, hoping to provide useful and life-saving information by sharing for all.

Reader Question from K. C. in Shriveled Branches, California – “Dear Little Red Bear — What should I do if confronted by an angry weasel?”

Answer— Another great question, because this seems to come up more often than most folks think.  The problem is, weasels are just not big on negotiating, so trying to reason with them or attempting to discover the source of their anger is largely a waste of time, as most just wake up angry in the morning right off the start, and their mood seems to follow on downhill from there.

We recommend telling the weasel a really funny joke, and hope it dies laughing.  It seemed to work very well for the Roger Rabbit folks.  If you’re not particularly funny, then we recommend running away as fast as you can, because the longer you stand in front of the weasel the hungrier it’s going to get while the time passes.  If you have wings, use them.  Because we haven’t found the weasel yet that can fly more than two laps around the feedlot.

Weasels are never easy to deal with, because even when they tell you  they’re going to behave and be your friend, they most likely ain’t.  So take whatever a weasel says with a grain of salt.  Or two.   Good luck with ’em, and we’ll keep y’all in our thoughts. — Little Red Bear

Horizontal Rule 1

A big thanks to K.C. for the question!  Remember folks, keep those questions and letters coming. We’ll get to them as best we can here for you.  Happy reading, and thanks as always for stopping by!   And remember folks, an angry weasel is considerably faster than a John Deere Tractor.  Best to try and stay on their good side.  If you can find one.  – Jim (and Red!)

Old-fashioned, Family-friendly Stories and Fun for All Ages and Fitness Levels!
About an Uncommonly Special Bear and His Friends.

Little Red Bear Answers Reader Questions — “Reading Safety Advisory!”

“Letters.  We get letters.  We get lots and lots of letters.”

Little Red Bear and I have been receiving a number of questions from readers the past few weeks regarding “The Adventures of Little Red Bear” short stories collection, and after we talked about it while sitting around the campfire the other night with Albuquerque, Aunt Ivy and some of the others, Little Red Bear and I decided it might be a good idea to share some of the questions and answers with everyone.   Here is the first one, what Red thought might be the most important question we have received so far.

Horizontal Rule 1

Reader Question from S. R. in Jolly River Falls, MN – “Dear Little Red Bear — Is there a time when it is not safe or prudent to read “The Adventures of Little Red Bear” short stories?”

Answer— That is a very good question!  And it so happens, something we have looked into.  From the beginning, we figured in all honesty, that we most likely wouldn’t be generating a New York Times Bestseller list of readers, so should try to protect and insure the safety of those we do accumulate along the way, being probably few in number.  So as it turns out, we did research this very topic before we released the book on Amazon.

Here are the times and situations we determined as most unsafe or imprudent to read the stories, so accordingly are issuing the following Public Safety Advisory.  A few instances we determined were—

♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦

General Advisories

Do Not Read “The Adventures of Little Red Bear”

When operating a motor vehicle, aircraft or heavy machinery.

While swimming in a swamp with alligators.

While snorkeling with sharks.

While at work with a supervisor possessing questionable tastes in literature.

While in the bathtub or hot tub if reading on a laptop plugged into an electrical socket.

In a lightning storm if standing alone in an open area.

While skydiving if the main parachute has failed to deploy.

While riding a mule to the bottom of the Grand Canyon. The mules perfectly know the way of course, but in this one instance we feel you really should not miss the once in a lifetime views of the Canyon. Read later at basecamp.

While shaving with a straight razor.

When wandering unaccompanied by armed escort in lion country.

While cooking over an open flame. (This caution applies to the paperback version, only.)

While performing roofing or window washing work above the sixth floor of a building.

While surveying a buffalo herd. (It’s not really unsafe, per se. It’s just that bison have not made it into the stories yet and are still a little miffed about it. Just don’t let them see what you are reading and it should be okay.  And of course, never roller skate in a buffalo herd whether you’re reading the book or not, but you most likely knew that one already.)

Industry Specific Advisories

For Medical Professionals- do not read while performing or assisting in major surgeries and/or dental work.

For Baseball Players- do not read while batting or catching. Field position players may safely read during the lull in between pitches. Umpiring crews, as well.  Reading the adventures while in the dugout and bullpen is highly recommended for all to relieve tedium.  Reading the adventures is also highly recommended to pass the time for soccer goalies.

Reading Exemptions

Members of Congress are exempted from reading “The Adventures of Little Red Bear”.  While there is certainly a lot which could be learned from the stories for them, it is generally agreed that they just have too much meaningful work to do at this time to risk being distracted by fun and common sense.

♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦     ♦

We hope this helped answer your important safety question regarding the reading of Red’s adventures.  In most other instances, we have determined that it is both safe and prudent to read “The Adventures of Little Red Bear.”  Indeed, highly recommended for clean family fun and reading entertainment!  Thanks for the question S. R., and we’re hoping you enjoy the stories.  Please remember to scrape your boots off before coming back inside from an adventure!  We don’t want to be hearing about dirty floors from irate mothers.   So please scrape your boots.  Especially after a visit to Farmer Turner’s.

Horizontal Rule 1

Remember folks, keep those questions and letters coming. We’ll get to them as best we can here for you.  Happy reading, and thanks as always for stopping by! And remember folks, every path has a few puddles in life.  The sun will be back out soon enough to dry you off and help you on your way again.   – Jim (and Red!)

Dog- Reading 4 Pug

Old-fashioned, Family-friendly Stories and Fun for All Ages and Fitness Levels!
About an Uncommonly Special Bear and His Friends.

Humpty Dumpty Retold– He Did What???

“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,

Couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.”

How sad.  And kind of a depressing lesson to impart to children.  A little Egg Boy, simply engaged in active playtime, suddenly smashed to smithereens on a scalding, sunny summer sidewalk.  We can only imagine what happened next.   But that was a long time ago and they did things differently then.  They tended to make lessons scary to have an impact.

A cute little girl in her best red riding cloak being eaten by a ravenous wolf.  Two lost children captured by a witch.  Two children fetching water and one falls down and splits his head open.  All just going about their normal lives and routines — visiting a shut-in grandmother in the woods, being accused of simply overeating, doing their daily chores.  Stacks of poisoned apples lying about to sicken unsuspecting hungry travelers and wayfarers. Perilous times indeed. The original story of Sleeping Beauty is so terrifying it cannot even be retold here.  And we won’t even talk about Bluebeard.  Dreadful, ghastly stuff.

So, to set the record straight, more or less, here’s what really happened on that day in Humpty Dumpty land.  The public deserves to know.

Young Prince Humpty Before the Great Fall (unknown artist)

Young Prince Humpty Showing Off With Playmates, Before the Great Fall
(unknown artist)

“Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,

Couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

So they each took turns reading to Humpty Dumpty from “The Adventures of Little Red Bear”, a collection of short stories entertaining for all ages.

The positive fun stories were just what Humpty Dumpty needed to lift his spirits and take his mind off the fracturing wall fiasco while he convalesced in a nursing home.  The little egg prince (yes– he was indeed a prince, they left that part out, see the historical record image for proof, i.e. the crown) felt better right away.  His shattered shell mended and he was soon on his way back out the door again to play.  He felt smashing, but in a good and not crashing, bashing sort of way.  Humpty Dumpty had learned valuable life lessons from Little Red Bear, to be bold but not reckless, so never again found himself teetering precipitously on a windy western wall.

Humpty Dumpty lived to a happy old age, attributing all of his success and glories to the lessons learned from Little Red Bear over the years.  He followed after his father, the Right and Proper King of Cackleberry, eventually becoming King of all the Omelets and lived in a beautiful castle surrounded by high, glistening pink granite walls, all with duly approved, certified and regularly inspected safety railings, in the fanciful Land of Frittatas.

The End.”

Now isn’t that a better bedtime story to share with the little ones?  Mistakes happen, but we work to repair the damage and get on with it.

And most notable of all– “The Adventures of Little Red Bear” has been shown to have the magical and mystical powers to alter the course of history and kingdoms.*

Click Here to Order Your Copy and Change Your History Today!

Thanks as always for visiting!  —  Jim (and Red!)

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

*Results may vary. Read as directed. Proven clinically effective in the ongoing treatment and relief of boredom, irritability, idleness, sloth, disquietude, melancholy, deterioration of reading skills, and ambivalence.  Store in a dry place at controlled room temperature.  “The Adventures of Little Red Bear”, as all fine literature, should be kept within the easy reach of children.  Repeated readings and doses produce enhanced results, intensify laugh lines, smooth wrinkles and aid in weight loss if the reader refrains from eating while reading on a treadmill.  Do not read if allergic to humor and common sense.  You should avoid excessive or prolonged exposure to negative thinking.  You should not read these stories while operating a vehicle or heavy machinery, or swimming in a swamp.  Possible side effects include giggling, spontaneous outbursts of hearty laughter, and happy thoughts, which may in turn lead to Peter Pan Syndrome and unexpected flight.  If a flight lasts more than four hours, consult a certified aviator.**  In an emergency or Zombie Apocalypse, this book may be used as a fire starter for warmth or rescue.***

**Statements made by the writer of this book have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.  Any statements made by the writer of this book should not be intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease, malady, affliction, hazard, heartburn, indigestion, feelings of anxiety, hopelessness or depression, erectile dysfunction, queeziness, dyspepsia, uneven tire pressure or other unspecified uncomfortableness.  If you are pregnant, nursing, taking medication or have a medical condition, perch frequently on ledges and high walls, please consult your librarian before embarking on Little Red Bear’s adventures or taking any advice offered within. This book has not been demonstrated to restore hair in balding men, or to remove crow’s feet or unsightly spots and stains.

***Claims to the contrary notwithstanding, unlike the paperback print copy, the Kindle version does NOT make a suitable fire starter in an emergency.  Ordering extra PRINT versions is advised for Zombie survival preparedness.****

****Updated– recent lab studies have confirmed that the Kindle version is NOT a reliable fire starter in an emergency.  However, the Kindle version, when forcefully thrust forward in a downward striking motion may indeed prove effective in bashing a Zombie’s skull in self-defense.  Experts now advise ordering adequate copies of both versions in order to be properly prepared in the event of survival emergency.

“The Adventures of Little Red Bear” — Available for Kindle, eReaders and in Paperback

 

His Highness and Royal Majesty King Humpty the Learned, Studying "The Adventures of Little Red Bear" (artwork by Milo Winter, 1916)

His Highness and Most Royal Majesty King Humpty the Learned, Studying “The Adventures of Little Red Bear”
(artwork by Milo Winter, 1916)

“The Adventures of Little Red Bear” Short Stories on Amazon

About an Uncommonly Special Bear and His Friends!